MORTUARY (1983)

I admit, the main reason I chose to see this flick was because of Mary McDonough. The ex-WALTONS star plays Christie, a rather troubled teen who’s convinced her deceased dad have been murdered. Her mom, Linda Day George of PIECES fame ("Bastaaard!"), is not that easily persuaded. That is until she meets the grim reaper himself in the form of Bill Paxton. He plays the mortuary son and he’s a little cuckoo if not heavily enamoured with McDonough. When he kidnaps the latter and plans to embalm her so they can be together forever (huh?), it’s up to McDonough’s boyfriend (David Wallace from the delectable HUMONGOUS) to save the day. But does he really?

The last time I saw MORTUARY was about 25 years ago. It played on late night TV one summer. I taped it, enjoyed it to a certain degree, and forgot about it—until it got resurrected in 2012 on DVD via Scorpion Releasing. Of course I had to get myself a copy. The film, in a brand new 16X9 HD master from the original InterNegative, comes with an extra featurette focusing on score composer John Cacavas. It isn’t much but I’m willing to take anything regarding long lost treasures such as this one.

 

As much as I dig MORTUARY, the film is far from being perfect, starting with the misleading but effective movie trailer which focuses on Michael Berryman (one of the baddies in the original THE HILLS HAVE EYES) digging a grave. Trouble is, his involvement with the project stops right there. Yes, boys and girls, his presence is nowhere to be found in the feature. What we get instead is a lot of McDonough stalking and nothing of roaring creatures living underneath the cemetery ground. Would MORTUARY have been better had it been a creature feature flick? Perhaps. But you still have to give the film credits for delivering the goods in a Z-grade way. My favorite over the top moment has got to be when just-been-stalked-in-her-home Christie goes from hysterical to happy in a blink of an eye. She even toasts with her mom to their new-found relationship. I guess cheating death doesn’t hold a candle to the love a mother and daughter share.

Moreover, the whole hidden identity of the white paint faced killer is totally ludicrous. Mr. Paxton doesn’t fool us one bit. Even though the director tries hard to hide the star’s identity with mostly long shot scenes of him in action, it doesn’t take Einstein to figure Paxton out. And when we do, all we have left is to laugh at and with the film. Because, truth be told, it is a joy to follow those onscreen kids around during the early ‘80s when roller skating and pulling pranks ruled. Of course, female nudity is required—but not too much! Just as long as it involves a body double, as star McDonough can surely attest using. And all in all, if "taken with a grain of salt" is what best describes this low-budget flick, then more power to it I say. For it has only one purpose: to hold our interest till the very end, and that’s what MORTUARY achieves doing without a doubt.

　
Until next post—Martin

“HORROR HIGH”, AKA “TWISTED BRAIN”

Cheeky horror films of the ‘70s are most fun to watch when they don’t take themselves too seriously. Take HORROR HIGH (1974) for example. Child star now grown up Pat Cardi plays Vernon, a high-school misfit who, forced to swallow some chemical concoction by a pissed janitor (something to do about his lost cat found dead in the lab department), becomes THE INCREDIBLE HULK but without the rippling muscles and the green pigmentation. Indeed, little Vernon is so fed up being the scapegoat that he finally takes the bull by the horns revenge-style. From the doomed janitor to the prissy English teacher, not to mention the dumb jock who’s been bullying him all year long, they all end up regretting having laid a finger on him. And to make matters worse, no one can stop him. Not even the police officer who’s assigned to the case, nor the jock’s girl who’s been eyeing Vernon… He is indestructible and will forever be—or so he thinks.

HORROR HIGH plays like a bad after-school special. Everything in it is borderline lame, from the bland direction to the amateurish performances; but contrary to many films in the genre this one manages to be quite endearing despite its faults. Thanks mostly to its true to form grade-Z agenda that keeps getting wilder as the movie progresses. Filmmaker Larry N. Stouffer seems to have vanished after that film (except for a brief return in 2006 as one of the screenwriters for some comedy called WAITIN' TO LIVE) and it’s truly a shame since he does have the making of another Edward D. Wood but with a better refinement, if that’s possible. I know, this sounds awfully disrespectful, but believe me it is said with the deepest love. I breathe, sleep and eat in grade-Z poop.

J.D. Felgelson, the screenwriter, is best known for having penned the excellent  DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW (1981)  But he also wrote some other clunkers, like the  TV movie CRY FOR THE STRANGERS (1982) based on the John Saul novel of the same name, and more recently the shark-infested river of RED WATER starring Lou Diamond Phillips. Surely, this guy is my new best friend. I mean, how can you not love him. He certainly knows a thing or two about cheesy flicks, and anyone who has managed to prosper in these troubling waters for as long as he did deserves my sole devotion. That is, until the next over the top flick from another scriptwriter comes along. In the meanwhile, watch HORROR HIGH and see for yourself how much fun it really is to be bad.

This DVD review is based solely on the public domain version going around. But since I’ve enjoyed the film so much, I’m seriously thinking of purchasing the  Code Red Special Edition format, the one uncut with tons of extras and the brand new 16X9 (1.85:1) transfer mastered in high definition from original negatives. I’m sure that, just like the flick itself, it’s definitely worth owning.

　
Until next post—Martin